Is the there, there?

I am getting quite tired of Junior Sem.  Actually, that's an understatement. I feel like puking all over Junior Seminar then taking a shit on it. Really. I was pretty enthusiastic about the class at the beginning of the semester despite being loathe to take it since in combination with my thesis I knew it would just be too much. But I decided to make the best of it and participated in class, did all the readings, and was pretty actively engaged. I actually got more out of the class this semester than I did last year - partly because I enjoy literature more than poetry, but also because, like I've always said, I'm a completely different person after study abroad and this different person I believe is more appreciative of literature, more intelligent, and thus more capable of being in a class such as J-Sem. But fuck it. Now I'm tired. It' s the same thing every day! Deconstruct this, blur the boundaries of that, open up the narrative, question the reader's role. Is the there, there? WELL YES IT IS. BECAUSE IF IT WASN'T THERE, IT WOULD BE ELSEWHERE AND WE WOULD PROBABLY CALL IT HERE. Do I actually care how many versions of Ulysses there were? Well gee you never asked me but now that I'm asking myself I think I realize that I don't care.  How does the narrator interact with the reader. HELL IF I KNOW BECAUSE THE NARRATOR DOESN'T ACTUALLY EXIST! I refuse to sustain a conversation any longer about how a non-real narrator influences the reader he never interacts with. SUCK IT NARRATOR.   Oh and let's not get started on "absence." Because then we open a whole other world of meaning and interpretation. Lalalalalalalalala I'm done with J-Sem. 

Hello, again

I found another reason to add to the list of why I shouldn't have babies: I wouldn't be able to drink for nine months, which would be absolutely TERRIBLE. I'd be in pain every day and wouldn't even be able to drown my sorrows in some Belgian beer. I was thinking about this last night as I was drinking a Thunderhead IPA, which was delicious. I am getting a little weary of IPAs though. I need to buy more amber ales. Yum.

More substantial update to come later. Some topics to look forward to: what I'm doing with my life (woooo!), pictures (and lots of them!), and uhm wait I think that's all. Oh, how sad. Maybe this is why I've been neglecting my blog because I don't want to face the reality of NOTHING INTERESTING TO TALK ABOUT. Just kidding. My life is great. Seriously, it is.

Babies? No thanks

I haven't blogged in awhile since for the last month I was at home and busy sitting in my blanket and bathrobe, shuffling around my house, drinking tea. I have a demanding schedule what can I say. And let's be honest; I really only blog when I'm procrastinating. Or when I have such fascinating ideas and pressing thoughts that the only way to free myself of those bonds is to sit in front of a little screen and type furiously. But how often does that actually happen? I think I just like to tell stories. And I like to know that people pay attention to me. Yes, I love attention; don't judge me because you know you love it too. We all do. Just because I like my attention dancing on a table doesn't make me any more attention needy than you. Perhaps you like yours in the form of a stimulating conversation with you as the center of know. It's really all the same.

But for the sake of keeping this alive and for my own self-indulgent purposes, I'm going to address a topic which I get asked about a lot: babies/kids. I know right, and I'm only 21. Well I don't want to blame this on everyone; these conversations usually start when someone sees a baby and says "awwww how cute." And I'm standing there with a finger down my throat because I don't like babies and I find them hideous. I don't plan on having my own babies; I told Tim he could bang one of my friends if he wanted kids. He might have to get them wasted first because I don't know if any of my friends actually want to bang my boyfriend but things could look up in the future. Anyways, babies are needy, they cry, they shit, and they're not cute to compensate. I do like kids though because I can interact with them and they talk back to me. And if they're snarky I can just slap them - or some verbal equivalent that's not so abusive.

It is quite funny though that people are always shocked when I tell them I don't want kids. It's so expected that all females want their own babies, and then I come along with my selflessness and concern for the world's overpopulation problems and people flip their shit and think something's wrong with me. Ok so I'm not that selfless because part of the reason I dont want my own babies is because I don't want my boobs to sag, which they will eventually but I'll delay it by decades if I don't have kids.

We were actually talking about this in philosophy class last semester - having kids that is, not saggy boobs. Everywhere you turn, everyone/thing tells you that your life won't be fulfilling if you don't have kids. Take the movie Four Christmases, where this couple (Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn) has a great life but no kids. They're happy, they have money, they go places, but they're not married and have no offspring. And then they go visit their family who's like poor, living in a rundown place, but aw look they have kids and they're life is fulfilled and happy because of those kids. So what this heteronormative movie says is (yes I said heteronormative, whatever, I go to a liberal arts college what do you expect) you can have the career, the relationship, the house, the money, basically a bangin life, but if you don't have kids you won't be happy. And of course by the end of the movie the couple decides to get married and have kids. Gush gush aww barf.

I don't think I need kids to make my life fulfilling. I have no desire whatsoever to pass on my genes. Plus honestly kids are SO ungrateful. SO ungrateful. I'm a good kid, and I wouldn't even want myself as a kid. Kids are the best in their like first ten years, but then they hit the teenage years and they're snarky as shit. And then they grow out of that but by that point they've moved on to college and they're not even around anymore. Wtf I gave birth to you, stupid child. They don't remember when you suffered with them for nine months and when you took care of them when they were a wee baby and couldn't fend for themselves and if you didn't feed and change and house them they would've died. But do they remember that when they're 14? No, I didn't. That's life with a kid in a nutshell. Don't judge me.

I probably going to eat my words in ten years right?

Still 15

My dentist told me I look fifteen years old. I hate my life. She then proceeded to prop open my mouth for 45 minutes in order to fill some holes in my teeth.

No, not really

Today I spent two hours in Room E222 having a wonderful conversation with Mr.Perlman (10th grade English teacher). By the time I left it was 5:40pm and the sky was already dark. It was cold outside and I was only wearing a thin jacket, so with my hands shoved into my jean pockets, I hurriedly walked home. I walked past a tall, hefty, Middle-eastern male who despite his looming figure is definitely a high school student. Five seconds after passing him, he turns around and starts talking to me:

Him (in mildly accented English): Do you go to Washington High School?
Me (turning around to face him): No, I don't live here.
Him: Oh you don't go to Washington?
Me: No, I don't live here. (I register that this guy is pretty dense)
He looks fairly harmless, so I slow down, but continue to walk backwards. He catches up.
Him: Really? Because you look like a girl who goes there
I'm thinking, great, I look like an asian teeny bopper. Fantastic. And I thought I outgrew that phase. At this point we're walking side by side, me avoiding his stare.
Me: No, I don't live here.
Him: So are you visiting relatives?
Me: Well I used to live here, but I moved away.
Him: Oh okay. Well I wanted to talk to you cuz you know you have a nice ass.
Me: Oh, uh, well, thanks. (I give a half smile).
Note: When confronted with creepy people hitting on me, I lack any ability to be witty, sarcastic, or rude. Surprising, given my usual temperament.
I walk into the parking lot of the apartment complex to my left. He doesn't follow. I think we're done talking but then...
Him: So uh you wanna do it?
The only thought that enters my head is "wtf!?"
Me: What?
Him: Do you want to come along with me?
Me: No, not really.
I walk away.

This rendition of our brief conversation doesn't really do justice to the awkwardness of the whole affair.

New Year's Resolutions

1) Read the news so I'm not an ignorant retard.
2) Get a job (that I'll like).
3) Write my thesis (well).
4) Exercise so that my heart doesn't give out by the time I'm 25.
5) Eat less bacon. HA who am I kidding I'm not going to do this. I'll just make sure I do number 4 to counterbalance not doing number 5.
6) Read my Bible.
7) Bang some bitches.
8) Kidding about number 7.
9) I was gonna write some shit about being more understanding and loving towards others but that shouldn't really be a resolution; that should be more of a daily self-improvement goal. Plus I don't want to sound like the idealist that everyone already knows I am. I mean why advertise that more.
10) Learn more piano.

Ten is a good number. I'm going to work on my thesis with a side of a bacon now.

Weight loss

When my parents picked me up from the airport on Saturday night, my mom saw me and said "YOU'RE SO SKINNY!!! DID YOU GET SICK AND LOSE A LOT OF WEIGHT?! WHY ARE YOU SO THIN?!?! WE HAVE TO FATTEN YOU UP THIS BREAK!"

oh parents. It's a good thing I don't take my parents' proclamations about my weight to heart because otherwise I'd be on and off diets every other week

Last final

Babies are ugly. Britney Spears is making a comeback - I am pleased. My brain is maxing out. I'm wearing three layers and a blanket. I've slept 4 hours every night for the past week. Going home on Saturday. Going home with a suitcase full of books for thesis work. Can't wait to go to Tahoe. Excited to go to Sonoma also. Don't care about anything typically "haverfordian." Love my apartment to death. My lips are balmy.

I think that's all I'm thinking at the moment. There's an overwhelming lack of Cog Neuro :(

Anonymous fame

...kind of.

My email is posted on www.mymomisafob.com. It's under the title "So much for the compliments."

Weight gain

An email exchange between me and my parents:

From me:

Hi Mama, hi Baba,
I cut my hair! Here's a picture just in case you don't recognize me when you see me.


Response:

Marning Hui Hui, We saw your hair cut pictures, did you gain the weight?

Open the following web, is this the station that you always take the train there?

http://topchinesenews.com/listo.aspx?topic_id=21&msg_id=8763&level_string=0&page=1

See you Saturday !!!

Baba, Mama


Offensive? Not really; just hilarious and so characteristic of my parents. Every time I go home or even skype with my parents they ask if I've gained weight. If their perceptions held true every single time, the sum of their comments would mean that I am now 200 pounds.

I submitted the email exchange to www.mymomisafob.com. I hope it gets posted.

Oh and I have no idea where they got the pictures of the train stations in my area or why they were looking for those pictures.

Chop chop

I got a haircut

Go big or go home

xoxo

Celebrations with the Leuvenites:














Food, beer, conversation, 30 degree weather, hugs, kisses, and love love love.

<3

Dive into independence

Today in philosophy we spent half an hour inviting ourselves over to Prof.Miller's house for dinner, an hour talking about life, and ten minutes talking about the final. As always, class was great.

The whole conversation about life started when Miller asked us what things worried us. And I said getting a job after graduation. [haha damn I just realized that I was the one that launched us into this whole discussion. Definitely didn't see that coming]. Then Miller launched into a surprisingly inspirational rant. I say surprisingly cuz this guy is usually quite sarcastic and cynical. But today he expressed overwhelming amounts of hope for us. Odd. What follows is a giant paraphrase/indirect quote of what he said:

Get out of this area and go somewhere you've never been. This is your time to live. This time is for yourself. You can go anywhere. You have nothing tying you down. Don't be afraid to take a dive into independence. Sure, it's scary. Sure, you'll be lonely. Sure, it'll be really hard. But you'll come out better for it. And you'll make it.
...
You've selected this liberal arts path. What they teach you here is to think. To think about things structurally [this is a structuralism and post-structuralism class]. Most people will see a problem and just try and solve the problem but you guys will see the problem with the structure. And if you start at some crap job, you'll be working for someone who is not as smart as you. And you're going to know how to fix their problems but no one is going to listen to you. And you're not going to be able to live with that. We're not trained to get normal jobs. We're trained to be different. If you wanted a conventional job then you would've gone to a state school; you wouldn't be here. [I take issue with this last sentence later].
...
Don't let yourself fall into a conventional job. I'm not saying go and start a non-profit organization but make your own path. I don't like the term trailblazer. Like instead of going to law school and trying to fight the system from without, join the police force and fight it from within.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anyways, Miller was far more eloquent than what I just wrote. He said some things in the beginning that I disagreed with, but he clarified later and I think by the end I got that he was really emphasizing approach. How you approach your job. Like take him for instance. He went into teaching. He's a professor. But he approaches his teaching unconventionally. Case in point the class we had today. He talked to us about life for an hour and a half. And it was a great discussion.

One of the things I raised a problem with was that our education couldn't just be for the sake of learning, that it has to affect our job. Yes learning is transformative, but can't you let it transform you as a person but not necessarily take that into your job? But then even in your job you're a person. You're never not a person. True. But what if you decide to get married and have kids right after you graduate. Are you really utilizing all of your undergraduate skills? Perhaps. But then you could argue that for any job couldn't you? Even the "conventional ones." And why can't we approach our education as this learning experience that doesn't necessarily have to affect our job decisions?

He also seemed to imply that our job defines us. But really a job is just one compartment of our lives and you can find fulfillment in other parts of your life. This is when the class sort of jumped on me. It's always interesting when it's you versus the class. And by class I mean the four other people who were taking issue with what I was saying. Elliot asked "But wouldn't you say that being a student defines you?" And I had to answer no. That was exactly why I went abroad because I felt that I was only defined as a college student. I needed to get out and see some of the world and in some cliche sense "find myself." I knew myself SO MUCH better coming out of study abroad than going in. Because I didn't just see myself as a student working to get a B.A. in English and then going on to get a job. I found myself in other venues of life. And in the same way I don't think a job defines you as a person.

"But as an adult you spend most of your time at your job."

Yes you do. And for some people they need a job that's fulfilling, that makes them happy. I am one of those people. If I didn't like my job I would hate my life. But there are plenty of other people who can isolate their work from who they are as a person. They can approach work as just something to pay the bills. Work is necessity and they find fulfillment in other parts of their life. And I guess a couple other people couldn't conceive that you could be happy with who you are if you hate your job. And I admit that I have trouble seeing that as well. But I guess I have a problem with prescribing one kind of lifestyle approach for everyone because people are different. And as hard as it is to imagine your shitty job not affecting you as a person, I believe that there are people like that out there. It is probably my worst case scenario but hey I'm an idealist. I want my life to be in a Disneyland dreamworld.

As depressing as it is to think of someone who hates their job I find it equally as depressing to think of someone who loves their job and let's that define them. How one-dimensional. We are so much more than just our occupations. And that leads me to say that you can be the person you are, that you can be fulfilled, even if you don't like your job. But at the same time, going over to the other side, if you spend so much time at your job and you don't like it how could you live with yourself as a person. You never stop being a person. You're a person even in your job. If your education has transformed you as a person you bring that to your job. You can't not. Or can't you? Zach gave an example of a recent Haverford grad who works for an insurance company and basically what he does is help the insurance company find ways of paying the least amount of money as they can to people who apply for insurance. Does this friend know that it's wrong? yes. But can he separate who he is from his job? I would hate myself, but maybe he can do it.

At the end Miller basically said that sure we don't have to do these things. We can find a normal job. But what he wants us to know is that we CAN do these new things and we should leave it open. We don't have to, but we have the ability. And I found that last statement the most inspiring because right now I'm planning my future around my fears. I've always had this fantasy of just picking up after graduation and traveling for a year or moving to a new city and just finding my way. But the closer it gets, the closer I am to not doing it. Why? Because I don't want to fail. I don't want to be alone. And it's even more practical than that. I have a shit ton of loans and I need a job with money to pay them back. But if I take Jerry Miller's prescription, then things will work out because I will make them work when it comes down to it. Will I be able to live with myself when ten years down the line I'm in a stable job but I never took this opportunity to go out and live?

When I was a kid I would have fantasies about going to the East Coast for college. About just getting up and leaving California to try something new. The further into high school I got, the more I distanced myself from that idea because the college mentality in high school was UC and CSU oriented. But at the end of it I said fuck it this is my one chance I'm going to do it. So I did. And I've never regretted it. So why don't I just do that now? Where do I want to go? Seattle maybe? I would love to live in Seattle. What's tying me down? Nothing really except that boyfriend of mine. Oh what do I do with him. fuckin med school. Anyways, those are thoughts not for this blog.

But what's holding us back from going somewhere new? Get out of our comfort zones, get away from safety, and take a dive into independence. Sounds great. A bit romanticized perhaps but is that such a bad thing?

STRESS

This may be the first time all semester that I feel stressed.

I totally choked during my practice piano recital today. Actual recital is next Tuesday, so we practiced our pieces in front of our class today. I knew mine so well but I completely failed to execute.

My scene partner and I are so far behind in our Waiting for Godot scene. Fuck. It's so abstract.

I haven't picked a topic yet for the paper which has a thesis statement and annotated bib due tomorrow. balls.

I don't know anything about any philosopher. But this class is pass/fail so I'm not that concerned. Moving on to my other woes.

Neuroscience. SO MUCH TO REMEMBER.

My life is really the best. I couldn't ask for a better one. Albeit I am still stressed right now. I think it's mainly from my failed piano performance tonight. That's where all this stress is stemming from. I'm going to take a shower because that will make me feel better. Getting drunk would too but that would be counterproductive and I would only be more stressed in the morning. And my boyfriend abandoned me in my time of desperate need to go get wasted with his friends. I exaggerate. But only slightly.

If music be the food of love play on

"If music be the food of love play on."
Orsino, Twelfth Night (I.i.1)

I love this quote. It's the opening line of Twelfth Night, which is the play that my thesis is based on. I think. It's still in the working stages. Eeks. The opening speech flows wonderfully, it has a beautiful harmony to it, and the words are genius. But from the opening line, the speech tells a sad story. It's sadness disguised in beauty that falters and diminishes as the play goes on. Tragic right? And Twelfth Night is a comedy too. Orsino is in love with Olivia but she doesn't return his affections (obviously because when do things ever work out perfectly - in Shakespeare or in real life)? When the play starts Orsino has been chasing Olivia for awhile and this opening line suggests a kind of rigid mechanics to his love. He talks about music fueling his love as gas may fuel a car. It's as if he continues his pursuit simply to continue his pursuit, throwing into question the genuineness of his feelings.

But then he goes on to talk about excess because maybe if enough music is played then that will cure his obsession.

If music be the food of love, play on;
Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting,
The appetite may sicken, and so die.

What? How does that work? How will music cure his obsession? If anything it would only motivate it. To hear the romantic sounds that only make him desire Olivia more. Or perhaps this is an illustration of Orsino's illogic that has developed out of his madness in his relentless chase after Olivia. The interpretations run on but alas I have other more pressing things to do.

I should spend less time marveling over beautiful opening speeches and more time working on my thesis proposal. sigh.

I turned 21

Haven't posted in a week because I've been busy celebrating my 21st. It was more like a birth-week celebration than a birth-day. Go big or go home.




A double-layer, chocolate-hazelnut, raspberry cake that Inez made me (in the shape of a heart!).



Tim bought me Tripel Karmeliet - my absolute favorite beer in the world.




The Health Center wishes me happy birthday with a card that tells me not to die.



Had one of my parties with Sarah who also turned 21


Also celebrated with my Leuven friends, but Beks has those pictures. Check facebook for other 21-related photos.

Thanksgiving was chill. Tim came down from NY; we hung around my apt most of the time. Except for Thanksgiving dinner at his family friend's house and the orchestra on Sat. night with Beks and her mom. Oh Thanksgiving dinner was interesting. Tim and I brought two bottles of wine but no one drank it, so I did and it kept me sane the whole night. Here's a conversation I had with one of the adults:

[Tim talking to a mom about medical school. What a tool right?]
A mom (to me): So are you going to med school also?
Me in my head: ugh another one of these asian parents.
Me aloud: No, I study English Literature
Grandmother chimes in to mom: It's ok, everyone goes to grad school now
RED ALARM GOES OFF IN MY HEAD. OMG PLEASE DON'T ASK ME ABOUT GRAD SCHOOL. I HAVE NO PLAN FOR MY LIFE.

Fortunately the conversation stops there and I keep my sanity. It really wasn't that bad - I'm exaggerating the screaming in my head. If you remember my blogging from high school, I can be rather dramatic. Some things haven't changed. I kind of wonder now if I should've told her I don't know what I'm doing with my life because it's kind of funny to see people try and force some kind of answer like "oh, but what are you interested in?" and "what are some ideas you have?" or "so you're an english major? do you want to be an author?" And then work their faces into a tolerable expression that doens't convey their distaste for my misguidedness.

Oh I also went Black Friday shopping as usual. Woke up at 5am and dragged Andrew with me also. What a good sport. We got there at 6:30am and left by 10:30. OH AND I GOT A NEW CAMERA. FINALLY. Here are some of the first pictures - completely devoid of any sort of intrigue.



Andrew took this. It's a page from the New Yorker.



This is my apt's sad panda. He is wearing Andrew's new hat from H&M.



I can take pictures in black and white.



At the Kimmel Center with Beks and Tim. I love going to see the Philly Orchestra. I just wish I knew more about music :(

Mmmm Coffee

I've picked up a new hobby. Well I don't know if you can really call it a hobby because I am poor and can't afford to experiment much. But if I did have the money, it would be my hobby so currently let's just say my hobby is restricted by the rising costs of education. But I've been enjoying going to Whole Foods and trying out new kinds of coffee. I haven't experimented with many types coffee blends to talk about the different flavors I taste, but I just bought a new one (Torreo Colombia Supreme) and it has such a wonderful dark, burnt taste to it. The Allegro breakfast blend is your pretty typical morning cup of coffee, minus the watered down, sour, disgusting taste of a Folgers-type brand. But the Colombia Supreme has a wonderful burnt smell reminiscent of the woods post-rainfall, which comes out nicely in the taste as well. Yum.

First snow of the year

IT'S SNOWING IT'S SNOWING IT'S SNOWING IT'S SNOWING IT'S SNOWING IT'S SNOWING!!! AND IT'S STICKING TOOOOOOOO!!!!! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm gonna go buy liquor for my party now :)

Who is God?

And we got on the topic about the nature of God. Austin was basically saying that it we can't even have these discussions we're having before establishing what we mean by God. Who is God? What is God? Well when you talk about God you can't do it from a neutral ground. You talk about God as you understand God. And I understand God as the Christian God. As God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. As a loving, merciful, faithful, forgiving, just, and awesome God. Austin's contention was that we cannot limit God to our understanding. We can't even approach an understanding of God. He goes beyond anything we can ever know. We shouldn't even try to understand God's character. Not only is His character beyond comprehension but any attempts at comprehension are useless because our human minds cannot even think of any adjectives, any beings, any experiences, anything, any person that could ever ever ever come a tiny bit close to an accurate understanding of God.

So what then? Where does that leave us? For Austin, he sees God as everywhere in everything. It's not anything he can pinpoint or put in a box. God just IS. everywhere. everything. all the time. I do think Austin is right to some extent. We shouldn't presume to think we can know God, and it's far better to have thisunderstanding of God as being everywhere in everything, surrounding us in life than to have a theoretical, Bible-taught understanding of a list of God's characteristics. However, my point of contention was that Austin was pushing against any kind of attempt to understand God even with knowing that one cannot ever get at the heart of who God is. That it's insulting and ignorant even to do so. And I take problem with that because I think it's important to know God as a loving, merciful, just, etc. etc. kind of God. It's really a little bit of both Austin's view and mine that I'm advocating. I disagree that everyone should take Austin's viewpoint because for where he is in his faith, this might be a wonderful way for him to perceive God but that's not true for everyone. And I guess what I'm starting to think of, or realize more consciously, is that I (or anyone else) can't prescribe a certain way of approaching faith. It just doesn't work that way. Sure you can recommend approaches but people's minds just work so differently. Our lives are individually shaped so differently how can you tell someone that THIS is how you need to understand God, THIS is how you're supposed to grow in faith.

And then Austin and I were talking about how we're tired of Christianity being seen as a doctrine of rules and regulations. Things we can't do. Don't drink, don't smoke, don't have sex, don't swear, don't dance, don't party, don't do anything where you might be tempted, don't surround yourselves with "bad" people. All these things and more are not what Christianity is supposed to be about. Even that label "Christianity" is a crutch. It's not about being in a religion with this name attached to it. It's about faith and relationship to God. We're both disillusioned with the church and mainstream Christian society. Notice I say mainstream because I know better than to say that everyone buys into what they've been told and don't seek for themselves. If I did say that, then I would be Dawkins. But we both hate that these rules have become the face of Christianity, so we're both questioning and challenging. Asking what things like honoring God with your body actually means and not what the church has always told us which is not doing drugs and not having sex. And they're all difficult questions. It involves looking at historical context and translations, it involves a shit ton of reading.

BUT THEN we started talking about how important is all this really? This also isnt' what faith is about. And here we diverged a little again because he wants to throw out all these details. Important questions to ask yes, but in the end whatever. And again to some extent I agree that you need to look at the bigger picture. But I also think that your day-to-day life, your behavior, your actions, your thoughts, and your character are all important to your growth as a Christian. Otherwise just do whatever the fuck what you want, ignore what God desires for you in your life, and as long as you have the bigger picture in mind then sweet. But from my point of view as a believer, as someone who believes the gospel message, as someone who desires to know God, then that entails wanting to understand how God wants us to live and how we have to carry this banner for His kingdom. Therefore you can't exactly ignore all these things. Again, it's about a balance between this big picture and little dtails. Rah balances. Or can you ignore them? I dunno. I really don't know what I think.

Because what if you take someone who is from like the Deep South or some other super rural place, and he/she has lived a very full and pious life of child-like faith and has never asked these questions. Is their faith less legit? No. I can't tell them their faith wasn't actually real because they didnt' really understand it and they didnt' question or challenge and they didnt' think. But then why do I need to question and challenge? Cuz I know if I don't then it's not real. Then I'm just blindly following. Like that person who lives in a rural area right? No, not right. Totally different because I can't lie to myself and say that this simple faith I have is real. I know it' snot.I have to understand these things.

Omg my head is going to explode soon.

I need a break.

Worldview

Last Sunday we talked about worldview. You can simplify your worldview to your religion or your political affiliation. Worldview is like a jar of marbles. If you're a Marxist, then drop in some red marbles. And if you're also a Deist, then drop in some blue marbles. And if you also follow a material/money centered life then drop in some green ones. But basically your worldview is a medley of all these things. So it would be incorrect to say that Keller holds a Christian worldview and Dawkins an atheist one. Those are just one type of marble in their worldview jar. They may be the majority of the marbles or they may not be, but they're not the only ones.

Then someone in the group brought up how Dawkins' introduction is very condescending. Put plainly, it's not a nice introduction. It's not even that Dawkins isn't being warm and welcoming; he clearly thinks very little about religious people and that we don't think for ourselves at all. Keller's introduction on the other hand doesn't raise religion or condemn atheism. It's simply a presentation of the statistics and facts from both sides of the argument. (how the church is declining in europe but christian orthodoxy growing, how more people in america are claiming no religion, and so on). Now, Keller wrote his book in response to Dawkins' so that very obviously affects how he writes. He's writing directly to Dawkins' claims and attacks. Now the person who raised this difference noted that being loving is a central part of the Christian worldview, and that is reflected in Keller's writing.

But later when I was talking to Tim about that comment, he raised the point that Dawkins has to write in such a way because he's speaking from an underdog position. And that got me thinking. Is he really? As America is becoming more atheist and less religious, is Dawkins still an underdog? Well if you look at public figures (politicians esp), they all profess some religion. All presidents have identified themselves as Christians, Kennedy being the only Catholic. He also brought up that in the House and Senate there's only one person who publicly declares to be an atheist. I didn't look into this so I can't corroborate this fact. But anyways, even though America becomes less religious, we still want to see the leaders of our country as Christians. Why is that? Because then we know they'll be "good" people? They'll make better decisions? Because it's what our country was founded on? All interesting questions to consider, but I won't consider them here. I'll save it for my head. What I'm interested in, is even if Dawkins is an underdog, is it actually necessary to take on such a demeaning, condescending tone? Does he have to write in that manner in order to make his point? Honestly, I think he could make the exact same argument without his condescending remarks. I'm not going to be so rude as to say this is indicative of the atheist worldview but the guy who brought this up during the discussion wasn't saying that it was - he was saying that this theme of love so central to Christian doctrine is not central to atheism, which probably affects how these two authors approach the opposition. [And yes I know that an atheist can be more loving than a Christian. That there are a lot of Christian assholes out there. I know all this and am not concerned about going into it]. Given all this it might seem that my point is bland, and it kind of is but what an important bland point! The discussion in the group and with Tim just really drew out for me what it means to love others. And personally that's what I'm trying to focus on right now - loving other people through my thoughts and actions, in my relationships, and in my day-to-day interactions.

What else did we talk about? I don't remember. Oh but I had a marvelously long and profound conversation with Austin about God. I was trying to convince him to come to the group and we started talking about our faith and where we were right now in our individual paths. I will continue this in another entry.